Monday, June 11, 2012

Let Us Never Speak of this Again

A Place to Go Everyday

I found a job recently!  On that happy note, I present some office related notes I've taken during my working life.

During my first meeting with the head of the office in which I now work I was told that the two most important qualities I should display are discretion and loyalty.  The loyalty part is easy enough because I care about what the new organization I work for does.  The discretion part dictates that I do not go into any detail about what I or anyone else at my new job does with their time.  Unfortunately, I won't be publishing any of the notes I take as part of the things I will be doing at my new job.

Discretion

I like to think I can manage to be more discrete than this American General who reportedly told a Japanese publication that American forces are parachuting into North Korea to keep and eye on the network of tunnels in North Korea, which are invisible to American satellites.  I certainly won't be publishing anything about the network of secret tunnels are my new job.

You can become a more effective office drone by using the following phrases or having others use them for you either over the phone or via email:

• He just stepped out.
• He is in a meeting right now.
• Because of the timing, we’re unable to _____
• He is out of town right now (amazingly few people have countered that in the age of cellphones being out of town is not a valid excuse for being out of reach)
• You just missed him.
• He is on a plane right now.
• He is (insert anything that took place anywhere up to two weeks ago or will take place up to two weeks from now, i.e. Having lunch with xxx, meeting with xxx, is currently xxx etc.)
• I’m sick and have no voice (can be sent to someone via email)

Usually, a cheery "I can take a message" following any of the above is good enough to get the person on the other end of the phone to leave you alone.

Keep it Exciting
Sadly, I don't think my new job will ever prove to be exciting enough for me to discover a foot or a hand in the mail like the two top political parties in Canada or two schools in Vancouver had happen to them recently, as you can read about here.  Yes, this most likely has something to do with what has been labeled as the most disgusting video in the history of the internet in which a guy stabs, has sex with, eats and lets his dog eat another guy.  I'll let you try to find the link yourself.

Anyway, I'm excited about the new job.

26 comments:

  1. Congrats on the new job. This post is godsend self-help book for me. I am in kind of same situation. There is a saying right, "people dont leave companies but they leave lousy managers and supervisiors?" - my prev job had both, lousy company and ringmaster supervisiors.
    This one is more like a school.
    Pentagon article and School delivery - both pretty interesting and funny that you would link it with your new job post.

    Can you atleast take notes about your weird colleagues, copier?

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    1. Thanks, I'm excited about it.

      I should be able to relate some things about the equipment. I'm going to try to leave out the co-workers.

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  2. Congratulations on the new job man, best of luck with everything mate.

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  3. I think it's time I find a new job. My current employer likes to give us workers the shaft!

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    1. Careful, "UnemployedDan" doesn't have the same ring to it.

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  4. I don't think we've truly seen the most disgusting video in the history of the internet, there's always someone trying to take that mantle. Give it a few weeks, and see what happens. Someone tried to replicate Mr Hands for God sake. Discretion being necessary raises a few eyebrows. Hopefully whatever your new job is, it does involve the American military and you really do know state secrets that you could sell to me.

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    Replies
    1. I'm talking about "1 lunatic 1 icepick".

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  5. Congrats on the new job! Try to have some fun on the job, but not get into any trouble.

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  6. Replies
    1. Congratulations to you on your new writing career.

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  7. I've used almost all of these excuses! :D

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  8. Discretion?

    AND I THOUGHT TRANSPARENCY WAS THE WAY TO GO TO ATTRACT CUSTOMERS!

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  9. Congrats. You sound like a secretary, which.. isn't a bad thing. Cool, I think.

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  10. congratz on the job!
    I love the corporate obsession with loyalty...they always want you to be loyal but rarely does it work the other way around.

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  11. those N.Korean tunnels might be invisible to normal sattelites but I am sure America has some crazy stuff with x-rays, infrared and other spectrum of light that the general public has not heard of yet that lets them see under ground.

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  12. I've seen my share of messed up things, but I'm okay with not seeing that 1 lunatic 1 ice pick video. No really, I am.

    And congrats on the job!

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  13. Ahh crap Vancouvers just a ferry ride a way from me!

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  14. Congrats on getting the job! I haven't been as lucky. :(

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  15. So all the times I was told "he just stepped out" I was being lied to?? :_(

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  16. congrats on the new job. I've been on a job search as well...one day, one day!

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  17. Ha Ha. I love the excuses. So funny. Hope you enjoy your new job.
    www.thoughtsofpaps.com

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